I wish I could teleport
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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