It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
