i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
