White coat. Heels.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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