The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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