my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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