I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
