I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
