it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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