she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
