Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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