I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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