i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
