Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
