I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
