the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
