I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
