hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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