You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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