A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
