I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I sprained my soul last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
