i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
