we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
