she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
