hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
