If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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