All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
