Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
