Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
