I feel great
I just peed on a car
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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