you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
