i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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