just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
