How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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