So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
