even my farts smell like vagina
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
