my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
