Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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