Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
