watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
