i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
