Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
