I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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