I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
