i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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