Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
