we have officially lost it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
