even my farts smell like vagina
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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