Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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