Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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