I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
